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Share via E-mailHow long should the courtship phase last in a new relationship? A few months, a few years, forever? Open discussion on proper courting vs “domestic dating”…
About Lynn Terry
I'm best known online for my Internet Marketing Blog and my Low Carb Diet blog (where I also talk about my fun travel adventures). But there is SO much more to me than work, food & travel. Which is why we're here. ;-) So let your hair down and let's have some REAL fun! *cheers*
23 Responses to “Proper Courting vs Domestic Dating”
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Hey Lynn,
Got your email for this post as well. Things are definitely looking up!
Those are all fun activities that we ALL should be doing as often as is reasonably possible.
I have to totally agree with you on that. Get OFF the couch, get out and do FUN stuff.
If he really wants domesticated activities then let him cook for you, do the laundry, clean the house, take out the trash and do the shopping. (shine that coffee table)
SLOW is better. If a relationship is not worth savoring slowly. (like a great meal) Then is it even worth giving serious consideration.
I hope you are having an AWESOME slow dancing day!
smiles,
p.s. gtg Our writers group meets in an hour. After that I need to get a bottle of wine for a social get together with friends this evening.
Oops there is the door now. LOL
LOL @ shine that coffee table, haha!
I agree on slow, that’s my speed.
I’m still trying to decide what kind of relationship I want, or if I want one at all. Dating is one of the few ways to socialize around here, given there is nothing to do within an hour of where I live. So it’s the easiest way to get out and meet people, and hopefully make other friends in the process.
Of course sometimes I do daydream about how nice it would be to slow dance in the kitchen, cuddle up on the couch for a good movie, have someone to talk to on long walks by the river with Slim, etc. But then I think about all the negatives that go along with those things (ultimately) and realize… I really have it made on my own.
So yeah, doing a lot of thinking and talking, but not putting any action behind it just yet. LOL.
Thanks for your reply.
I have prepared a little food for thought.
Your paragraph below says it all for me. Eighteen years on my own now and a relationship would never be worth the cost. “the negatives”. I just enjoy the positives of friendship, common interests, social meals, sharing time. fun stuff. Did you say that where you live a person has to date in order to have a social life? To me, that would be a negative. Being social with no personal commitment is much more appealing. I have many great friends but I am not committed to any one person. To me that acquaints the positive and rejects the negative. Thanks for sharing…
“Of course sometimes I do daydream about how nice it would be to slow dance in the kitchen, cuddle up on the couch for a good movie, have someone to talk to on long walks by the river with Slim, etc. But then I think about all the negatives that go along with those things (ultimately) and realize… I really have it made on my own.”
BTW Something that Tawnya (from Canada) said in her video has stuck in my mind about how you showed her hospitality during her visit. I think that she said that it was like going to her grandmothers in the way that you cared for her. Or something like that. My point is that it may be your “way” to care for people so that they feel comfortable being dependent on you. It’s just something that resurfaces in my mind every now and then when I watch you talk about this topic on your videos.
Please don’t take offence, as I just wanted to share these two points for your consideration.
1. Do we really have to “date” to have a socially fulfilling life?
2. Do we do things naturally (and without thought) that cause others to respond in a particular way?
With the very best of intentions,
Gary
I’m not offended at all! Yes, I’m a caretaker by nature. That doesn’t mean I have to be taken advantage of. Tawnya is a great example – we both had a blast while she was here, and she appreciated my “southern hospitality”.
But no, when I’m dating, I do not serve iced tea or make fried chicken. Yes, I have learned my lesson on that one. LOL.
You have the ideal mix, Gary. That is what I miss most. Unfortunately there is *nothing* going on here in this town. Nothing for adults to get out and do. And honestly, it’s hard to “break in” with people here. It’s like a closed community.
So the solution isn’t dating. It’s moving. Chattanooga is definitely calling my name, as it offers all of that you described – which is exactly what I need.
Go 4 It!!! Have tons of FUN and enjoy YOUR life!!!
The point you made about what it was like “before” – i.e., planning on getting married, having kids, becoming domesticated – is why dating now for women is not as we think/hope it should be.
Unfortunately, men who grew up in that same era haven’t changed their mindset. This is why the minute they catch a woman, they want to recreate life is as it once was: you’re the little housewife who has some career thing you do and you sit around at night and watch TV. This is especially true for men that were married for a good length of time.
(I’m sure I just pissed off all the men who read this.)
Question: Don’t you think early on you will have an inkling as to how the relationship might go? In all the friendships I’ve had during the past 10 years (with both men and woman), I can usually tell – pretty quickly – if there’s a connection. The most it takes is maybe a month. Humm. Maybe your 8-week recommendation should be the standard.
BTW: If you want to “wade through the creek at night with a man,” go down to the creek and find a man who’s also doing this! LOL
~C :}
Cindy,
Thanks for sharing some great points.
A very interesting one about a man thinking he should have a domesticated wife.
I have to say that I appreciated everything that my wife did in that department but I learned that she was getting mixed signals as I found out later, she was doing what she was doing, because her mother was telling her that it was her responsibility as a wife.
I wonder how many ladies are being coached by mothers that to be a domestic is a responsibility of being a wife.
I suppose the same could be said for men and their fathers but it was not my personal experience.
I have lived as a single man (including the military) for more years than I was a married man so I really have never had much problem looking after my own domestic chores.
It really became a problem when I would offer to help out with the areas that she (or her mother) considered to be her responsibility. (conflicting signals)
I feel that this has become less of an issue (but then maybe not) in more recent years as we progress through generational change. (thinking about my daughters relationships)
BTW: U did NOT PO ALL of the men… LOL
I love your creek idea. LOL
smiles,
Well, my mother never told me anything – other than to stop being so “expressive and creative.” (Good thing I didn’t listen because I’m a professional writer!) Even though my parents had “that kind of marriage,” I never wanted that kind of relationship for myself. Granted if you read my other post about my dating/relationships, I haven’t done too well at that either. :{
The one “plus” about dating at this age is that you do have a more evolved life, along with (hopefully) a better understanding of who you are and what you want. So, in that regard (and to Bob’s point), I think courtship can possibly be a shorter duration.
I’m sticking by my comment about having a good idea near the beginning of a relationship – i.e., some chemistry – if diving should happen.
~C :}
I think that a woman who chooses to be a wife as her lifestyle/career does have certain responsibilities to home and husband. Call me old fashioned if you like, lol.
It’s totally different when both mates work or have careers. In my marriage I was the one that worked – but I also took care of the kids, the home and all of the meals. My husband never so much as fixed his own glass of milk during the six years we were married. Fair? No. I was exhausted and didn’t get much out of the partnership in exchange.
But being a homemaker by choice is different in my opinion.
You’re old fashioned! ROFLMAO
May be, but it’s definitely a choice – if you expect a man to “take care of you”, you should be expected to “take care of him” too lol.
Not my choice obviously. I want a partner in crime.
I absolutely know early on if there is chemistry or connection. And I won’t continue dating a person where there isn’t (with the one exception: the plumber – and there was a reason for that situation, lol).
In all of the cases I spoke of, it started out with wonderful chemistry. I still find that men want to stop dating and settle into a domestic situation entirely too soon – for my taste, at least.
I’ve been “stuck at home” most of my adult life, between raising my children and taking care of my grandmother. I’m at a totally different phase of life now. I’m ready to get out, travel, make friends, DO THINGS. So maybe it’s just a “me thing” instead of an age thing or generational thing…
I would also like to be the one that is taken care of for a change.
And by that I don’t mean financially or whatever. I mean that I want someone that has my best interests in mind and makes me feel safe and loved – like I have done for everyone else all of my life. It’s my turn. 
Lynn:
I’m not so sure I agree with the length of courting thing. Although I did know my wife before we started dating, we got married one year (to the day) from the day of our first date. That was about 34 years ago.
We got engaged within a few months of our first date, and things have worked out fine, even though I definitely married above my class. And it wasn’t because we had to. Our son was born seven years later.
My wife has found the secret to making sure we go out often. She only makes dinner a couple nights a week. The rest of the time, we go out.
I even invited her to go to Atlanta to NAMS with me, but she’s still a little sore about my dumping her to move to Tennessee and meet you at Starbucks a week or two ago. Women. Too sensitive.
Love your videos!
Bob
LOL! That’s terrible, Bob – you should be smacked for that one, haha.
Hopefully you’re kidding and she knows it was totally tongue in cheek, lol.
I should think it was different 34 years ago. You were both quite young I imagine. I met my husband when I was going on 21, and we were married within 90 days! At that age we were looking to settle down and start a family life – so that’s what we did.
At my age now, almost 40, I’m looking for a best friend. A partner in crime. A mate to share life with. But it’s not about starting a life (as everyone has one by now) or family – as most people my age are growing out of that phase and into the next one.
When you have young children, you DO have a more domesticated home life – whether married, single or dating. But at my age, we don’t – and there’s no reason not to get out and enjoy life! Together.
I’ve learned that by not doing what I enjoy doing in the relationship because it’s not something the other person enjoys doing, the relationship is already unevenly matched and not likely to grow, simply because of a values difference.
Certainly there may be things I enjoy that the other person doesn’t but to automatically just want to sit at home and watch movies on the couch … I don’t do that regularly now. Why in the world would I want to do it regularly when I could be out experiencing the world through the eyes of someone else?
Of the relationships I’ve seen that last, grow and flourish through changing interests and changes of life values, they started when they were young. Those couples learned to allow space for growth and change. They learned that love is accepting the person as they grow and change and trusting that they will also be loved as their own growth and change happens.
Do we forget that as we get older? Do we not believe space is still necessary for growth? Like you mentioned in another video – we are always changing.
Or are some people still trying to make some childhood relationship idea be reality?
Yay, more questions right.
I whole-heartedly agree with the Cindy,
A good relationship later in life, takes a point of genuine common interest, outside of getting “needs” meet (define that however you want) to help a relationship grow. That’s what I think.
Great points, Minna! Common Interests are definitely key. It would be nice if you could get those laid out all upfront. People try, lol – but reality sets in and it just takes some time to REALLY get to know someone (and their intentions, or lack of).
You’re right about doing things you don’t enjoy – but at the same time, I’m wide open to trying new experiences. I made a big point of that in my last serious relationship. I went to Nascar races (!), went camping, four wheeler riding, and a number of other things I wouldn’t necessarily do normally. And it was fun. But when it came to the things I wanted to do or try, well – we never go around to those. Go figure. There has to be some give and take, some compromise, or both people willing to step outside their comfort zone and figure out what you do (and don’t) enjoy doing together.
And the things you don’t – no worries! Go do those things with your other friends and let your mate enjoy some space. LOL.
“But when it came to the things I wanted to do or try, well – we never got around to them”
That’s exactly what I mean. In the very beginning there was the possibility of fairness and equal time doing things out of both of your comfort zones. He didn’t want to get out of his – but he made it a point to take you out of yours. Even though you wound up enjoying things, the relationship was already out of balance.
So that right there tells me he wasn’t interested in getting to know you for you or getting to know you better through exploring with you. He was set into his pattern of habits and actions and wanted you to step into his pattern, without missing a beat.
Ugh, I dropped a guy last year for that same reason. I’m looking for that partner in crime too. Where the heck is he? LOL
Yeah, it was a sore point in the relationship. I tried and tried to turn that one around, to no avail. We just weren’t a good match.
As for where HE is, who knows, lol. Probably out doing things on his own just like we are, wondering the exact same thing.
Ken and I met on a Monday, decided on Thursday (yes, 4 days) that we were meant to be together. After dating long-distance we married 3 1/2 months later, and will soon be married 44 years! Youza! That’s longer than you have been on this earth, Lynn! (that makes me feel old!)
But we both had dating experience and strong relationships prior to meeting each other. That gave us some good ideas to judge our relationship by but mostly we just went by ‘gut feeling’. Course, my parents will soon be married 66 years and have been excellent mentors in what makes a marriage last. They still act like newlyweds and do everything possible to make each other feel special, even at their ages. (I thought they’d been married 65 years, but they proudly corrected me just last week! LOL)
It hasn’t all been smooth sailing – we have separated twice through these 40+ years – each for just a few weeks, intentionally – when external stress got to us so much that we couldn’t talk without arguing. So both of those times we separated for 2-4 weeks – just enough time to catch our breath, calm down and realize our frustration was with external factors and not each other. Then we could get back together and calmly tackle the real problem. Normally, we are each others’ best friend and strongest support.
Outside stress can ruin a relationship that could be saved. I think young people today just starting out are too quick to throw in the towel and run back to mom and dad. They don’t even take time to realize that getting through the rocky sections is what makes a marriage stronger in the long run. No relationship – married or not – is without hurdles and stumbles. A lasting and caring relationship is a magical combination of hurdles and stumbles, along with joy and easy times, that all come together to make a lasting and wonderful love (whether married or not).
But even during those times when we tighten the budget for whatever reason, Ken and I always go out at least once a week for a special evening. That doesn’t mean it’s always an expensive dinner, just making a point to set aside some time to talk instead of paying bills, watching television, or being glued to our computers. It’s just OUR time!
You and Ken look very happy together.
I so enjoyed meeting him, and the two of you are very inspiring with your story! Hopefully we can all get together again soon.
“Proper courting”? I can’t say as I’ve ever heard that term applied to modern times. At any rate, all you have to do now is require any new fellow you meet to watch these videos as a Lynn dating primer. You could call it something like “the free Lynn dating video course”. Maybe you could put together a PDF and an email series to go with it, too.
LOL Wade!
p.s. I may regret talking so openly about all this stuff should any potential suitor ever Google me, haha!